The famous question.. and while I am uttering "Not yet" I am mentally answering "It does not concern you" or "Right now, I dont want to get married".
This must be the most frequently asked question that I encounter and if Life was on Facebook, I would have pressed "Unlike" 1000 times! Every second person who meets a girl who is of sane mind and marriageable age (difficult to mention a number here.. In India for a women this could be from 5 - ? .. I don't have a problem with the ? but with the 5!) has to be
1. A match maker 2. a well-wisher who is concerned 3.knows a 'fair, tall, handsome, working in MNC groom' who would just fit the bill.
Now, this question has gone beyond just being mentioned during meetings to even over the mails and on social sites. People are really interested in my life. I guess I am a celebrity.
Its plain embarrassing when 2 mamis (ladies) meet and start talking about a bright groom from Stanford living in the USA but with traditional values. About how their parents are in India searching for a suitable homely bride with high qualifications (means an MBA or PhD) who is rooted to the Indian culture and respects elders and should come from a highly-respected family. NO one knows what high-respected family means here. Its one of those words that is subjective and confusing. These mamis are very confident that since the parents are religious and cultural, the progeny follows the same. Somewhere during our evolution from childhood to an adult, when we learn to grow independent, the values of parents differs from ours. Here the Progeny become a Congeny ;-) for the parents.
But our mamis are oblivious to this.
There are no second thoughts - If you are single you need to be married immediately. Its their duty. What if I am committed, despise arranged marriages, or simply want to stay single and happy? Why should I sacrifice my career and move to the USA?
Ultimately, girls and their parents are made to beleive that marriage is an essential stage to be happy and successful in life. Atleast, once married these questions will not arise - "Is something wrong with your daughter", "Is she impure", "Is she planning to run away"? Harsh. But true.
So parents heave a sigh of relief when the occasion happens. But, we are women - the inquisitiveness over our life does not stop here.
The next stage is "Any good news?", "When will I become a grand-mother?". My sister-in-law faces this every other day. This question is never posed to married men. Making babies is the woman's business.
This must be the most frequently asked question that I encounter and if Life was on Facebook, I would have pressed "Unlike" 1000 times! Every second person who meets a girl who is of sane mind and marriageable age (difficult to mention a number here.. In India for a women this could be from 5 - ? .. I don't have a problem with the ? but with the 5!) has to be
1. A match maker 2. a well-wisher who is concerned 3.knows a 'fair, tall, handsome, working in MNC groom' who would just fit the bill.
Now, this question has gone beyond just being mentioned during meetings to even over the mails and on social sites. People are really interested in my life. I guess I am a celebrity.
Its plain embarrassing when 2 mamis (ladies) meet and start talking about a bright groom from Stanford living in the USA but with traditional values. About how their parents are in India searching for a suitable homely bride with high qualifications (means an MBA or PhD) who is rooted to the Indian culture and respects elders and should come from a highly-respected family. NO one knows what high-respected family means here. Its one of those words that is subjective and confusing. These mamis are very confident that since the parents are religious and cultural, the progeny follows the same. Somewhere during our evolution from childhood to an adult, when we learn to grow independent, the values of parents differs from ours. Here the Progeny become a Congeny ;-) for the parents.
But our mamis are oblivious to this.
There are no second thoughts - If you are single you need to be married immediately. Its their duty. What if I am committed, despise arranged marriages, or simply want to stay single and happy? Why should I sacrifice my career and move to the USA?
Ultimately, girls and their parents are made to beleive that marriage is an essential stage to be happy and successful in life. Atleast, once married these questions will not arise - "Is something wrong with your daughter", "Is she impure", "Is she planning to run away"? Harsh. But true.
So parents heave a sigh of relief when the occasion happens. But, we are women - the inquisitiveness over our life does not stop here.
The next stage is "Any good news?", "When will I become a grand-mother?". My sister-in-law faces this every other day. This question is never posed to married men. Making babies is the woman's business.
Once I started dating my husband (then boyfriend), I was asked "when are you going to get married?" all the time. And I was only 18 when we met! Like you said, now it's questions about when we're going to have kids. I'm sick of it! But it's good to know that ppl are asking the same types of questions all over the world :)
ReplyDelete@nepalijiwan
ReplyDeleteWelcome here;-). Actually surprised that you too faced these questions - was the pressure more from your husband's side or your own? I dont expect Nepal's traditions to be too different from Indian ones.
I think I actually got more questions from my side of the family about marriage, but my family can be very nosy. But now I'm getting questions about babies from his side, so I guess both sides are kind of nosy...:)
ReplyDeleteYou asked, NO one knows what high-respected family means here...
ReplyDeleteEvery one knows what highly respected stands for, fat wallet. The ability to spend lavishly on wedding, entertaing the grooms party with expensive gifts and reception decorations.
If the grooms party is higly respected that means they highly connected party (have connections in high places) are expecting a lavish wedding. If you cannot spend amount in certain range then do not even bother to answer the ad.
http://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/2011/04/08/desi-sex-ratio-and-marriage-nirmala-1925-to-2011/
Peace,
Desi Girl
...Somewhere during our evolution from childhood to an adult, when we learn to grow independent, the values of parents differs from ours...
ReplyDeleteTo an extent mamis are right the apple does not fall away from the tree and desi parents raise kids as if they were an extension of their parents. It is rare desi children develop their own separate personalities or identities because everything comes and rests on family honor meaning, you represent the family and family represents you.
Where ever children have tried to develop as Congeny they have faced the music from their folks in the form of emotional blackmail and parental tantrums.
To become her own parent is DG's bete noir...
http://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/2009/10/31/desi-dating-read-between-the-lines/
http://girlsguidetosurvival.wordpress.com/2009/11/12/desi-parenting-raising-devoted-sons/
Peace,
Desi Girl
@girlsguidetosurvival
ReplyDeleteHi DG,
You are back from a long break I guess;-).
Agree that one of the definitions of Highly respected is "Money" which translates to dowry, gifts and lavish weddings. There are other things too mentioned in the glossary.
a) Has impeccable record of arranged marriages done for all the children b) No divorcee records for cousins, extended family c) Same caste and religion d)Decent level of education.
The reason I said this is confusing is because these very mandatory conditions are overlooked when parents want the marriage to happen according to their rules. Have written about money meaning 'highly respected' in this post. http://goingagainstthetide.blogspot.com/2011/11/making-sense-of-society-approved.html.