0 Marriage Market - Harnessing Parent's fear

Advertisements always address the emotional need of the audience. It is not enough to merely talk that Complan is a great, nutritious drink - it is not enough if you just say that it contains Vitamin A, B, C, D, E, K, M (yet to discover) and all the minerals. All these letters do not connect to the common man. But when it shows that your child feels inferior because of his height AND because the other child is taller because he drinks Complan - it connects to you - it hits hard on your brain that your child is feeling bad and you need to compensate immediately with Complan - Call for action.

This is the Call-for-action to parents who have children in Marriageable age
Commercial for a matrimonial website. A dad sees his daughter leave with a guy on bike and he immediately loses it. [The guy is shown with unruly long hair which translates into not from a good family]. He discusses this with the mom who both blame each other for not finding a quick match for the daughter. They have no doubts in their mind that she is planning to elope and marry this guy. Ahh.. and look at those relaxed faces when they discover the website - a quick way of being/making  a bakra.

Lesson 1:
Try to find a groom for your daughter as soon as you think she is ready for marriage - this can be from 14 years to 25. If you do not do that, she is going to run away and marry a crazy man definitely. She cannot make a good choice with the priority being family tradition and culture.
Lesson 2:
You daughter cannot travel with other men on bike. Definitely these are not her friends. How can she have genuine guy friends? We are telling you, she is tricking your clan. Be careful.

While waiting at the train station at 4'o clock in the morning. Most people around are drowsy and falling off their seats trying to catch some interrupted sleep. You hear this screeching voice "Muhurtha pattu" - Bridal 7. And the ad keeps repeating 100 times. I am left wondering as to who in this crowd is so interested to look at sarees at this time of the day. There is so much emphasis on the wedding day and its rituals and when you are someone who has dared to step out of the madness you will be made to feel wasted.
Lesson 3: 
Sarees and gold make daughters do crazy things. They will agree to even get married to "whom so ever" of your choice and perform all the rituals to get the mad bonding done.

Another Saree commercial:
Here the bride herself explains the seven part marriage. You can clearly see she represents the majority of Indian women - prides in going the arranged marriage way with her parent's blessings (!), follows all traditions and finally believes in a fairy-tale wedding and am sure expects life to be like that too.
Lesson 4: Its a reinforcement of Lesson 3. Dont you still get it? Hurry up.

The ads are a reflection of the MAT.
Marriage age Threshold (MAT): Applicable only for women and set by the marriage market. Girl's worth in the market is indirectly proportional to her age.
5 - 18 - Highly suitable for marriage and other activities too
18-24 - Ripe time for marriage and to start producing lineage
>25 years -  Not yet married? Shady character, less worthy because genitals are old. Higher dowry for compensation.
> 30 - Forget it unless the girl is another name for dollars

[Edited to add this video of a really funny arranged marriage setting. Wish girls had the liberty to make guys perform different acts and choose given sufficient time. Sad part is even now in India, its the other way round. Girls perform all tricks to impress guy's parents. Note it: Not necessarily to impress the guy]

3 Making sense of society-approved marriages

Discriminations that percolate our lives are countless. Common ones when it comes to marriages are caste, religion, money, skin color and the Gender. These dividing factors hide behind the facade of religion, culture and even some scientific reasons like men are physically stronger than women. But such marriages are loved by our society - after all only because of their unabated approval do they thrive.

1.Forced marriage into wealthy family - with total parental approval 

Wealth makes this family highly-respected . You will realize that many of the conditions are dropped. Wealth overpowers caste and regional differences.

The girl(G) was in love with another guy for 6 years. The boy from this wealthy family notices her at some marriage and decides that she is the one. Goes back to his mom and the family decides to pock her as the DIL. Wait - it is more of a demand to the Girl's parents. But our G's parents are one with typical Indian values (Does Indian value tell you to ditch a person you love and get married to another?) Never mind. She is forced to give up on her love and agree to this marriage. She has a kid now and seems to be very happy. Recently when spotted in a wedding we couldn't differentiate between the gold and her:-).  

Is this a 'love at first sight' marriage? Atleast for the guy - physical love or maybe it was intuition or 'purva janma bandhan' at work.But lets dig a little deeper into the highly-respected family's relationships (conditions are totally relaxed.) The MIL has two husbands. So now, our G has 2 FILs. How lucky:). There is nothing wrong with polyandry- when men have so many wives and also mistresses at least the MIL has the audacity to legally marry both of them. But if this had been a love marriage scenario - can you even imagine the opposition that G would have faced. Here the only game-changer has been Money.

2. Arranged to finish parent's responsibilities

S got married at 23 not because she wanted to but her parent's wanted their duties to be done. Pakka arranged marriage. Now, she is 25 with a baby in hand. For the past 2 years, she has hardly spoken to any of her friends or family - even her own mom. She has restricted access to the outside world be it the internet or the telephone - her MIL is constantly monitoring. (Does't it sound like she has some health condition or is in Jail?). She confides to her friend last week that there are too many problems. Worst is her FIL misbehaving with her. And she has been strictly instructed by him that she should not share this with anyone. And who is going to believe her anyways - her MIL or her husband? They will be too concerned about preserving the family honor lest this issue leaks out. This is another kind of highly respected family.

3. Arranged but struggling to stay married
I have written about C in this post. She is pregnant now but with her husband having extra-marital affair and exchanging messages throughout the night. She will stay put there - the baby is due anytime. And its the rule that women have to adjust always.

Even in an choice marriages(Arranged/Love) these situations are possible but support sources are stronger. Either the lady has supportive parents (because they were in the right mind to let her choose) or best she has a supportive husband. Parents often say "If you marry according to our norms, we will always be there to support you" - what can parents do in these scenarios?
In these life snapshots, what is the Indian culture that we are upholding? What is it that irks people about a choice marriage? Why should elders decide everything - from the sex muhurtham to when to molest a DIL?

What is the use of family if women have to sacrifice everything - time, money, self-respect, love - to keep it in place?

4 The uncalled match-makers

I recently attended a wedding because someone had to accompany my mom. I usually avoid social gatherings especially marriage scenarios where I feel that I have been put on the showcase. Most people I met dint know me but were anxious to know about my marital status. And my toes are the most prized possessions during this quest - people expect you to wear the metti (toe ring) if you are married.

After my toe is scrutinized, I can see that they are facing some difficulty examining my neck. This is a huge task - after all the same group expects me to be wrapped in cloth head to toe. Second, the neck is covered by ornaments. The result is that the black beads or Golden mangalsutru is camouflaged. Finally, they see none of the wedlock indications. Still, this has to be verified thoroughly.

Person: Hello. How are you doing?
Me: I am doing good Uncle. How are you? (Not even in my dreams do I know this person. Nor am I interested! Excited "I am related to you" tone. Not good.)
Person: Good Good. So you are the bride's paternal Grand-mom's cousin's grand-daughter? You look so much like your mom.
Me: (Tired trying to understand the relation.. nevertheless trying to make my brain connect the dots. And this was really the relationship at this wedding!) Hmmmm
Person: So, what are you doing? Still studying?
Me: (Little happy - Do I look like I am still studying.Great I am looking younger. Yippee! Brakes... you know what this question is leading to) No Uncle. I work in an MNC doing "you cannot understand the work" job.
Person: Oh.. thats nice. My niece works in the same company. Do you know her? She works in Area5 in Chennai.
Me: (My company has a strength of 1 lakh +.. and how does it even matter? The conversation is entering the danger zone) No. I dont know her.
Person: Are you married?
Me: (So blatant.. who the f*** does he think he is, acting as a mediator or saviour to help poor me from singledom) No
Person: Are your parents looking for someone?
Me: (Can I say No? what does he expect? I am going to marry someone - you have a problem?) Yes
Person: We are looking for one of my nephews - He is blah blah. What is you birth year?
Me: 83. (Loved this part)
Person: (Trying hard to calculate my age.. after done his expression becomes a little tense.Oh! 83?
Me: We are leaving. Take care. (Abruptly I leave my seat and find one somewhere else)

The entire attitude of the couple changed. His wife joined in giving me a stare and in wondering why has the girl not yet been married? How can he ask a personal question in a crowd. Is this being decent? Who gave him the authority to question about my age? Society makes you feel inadequate and answerable for your intensely personal decisions.

I dint escape with one such conversation that day - there were 2 more which I deftly avoided. Most women get married because of this pressure and to avoid situations such as these. Most Indians cannot draw the line between a personal and a public issue. A marriage is a joint public decision - a long as it remains that way we can see a lot more volunteers plundering the system and its relationships.

6 When are you tying the knot?

The famous question.. and while I am uttering "Not yet" I am mentally answering "It does not concern you" or "Right now, I dont want to get married".

This must be the most frequently asked question that I encounter and if Life was on Facebook, I would have pressed "Unlike" 1000 times! Every second person who meets a girl who is of sane mind and marriageable age (difficult to mention a number here.. In India for a women this could be from 5 - ? .. I don't have a problem with the ? but with the 5!) has to be
1. A match maker 2. a well-wisher who is concerned 3.knows a 'fair, tall, handsome, working in MNC groom' who would just fit the bill.
Now, this question has gone beyond just being mentioned during meetings to even over the mails and on social sites. People are really interested in my life. I guess I am a celebrity.

Its plain embarrassing when 2 mamis (ladies) meet and start talking about a bright groom from Stanford living in the USA but with traditional values. About how their parents are in India searching for a suitable homely bride with high qualifications (means an MBA or PhD) who is rooted to the Indian culture and respects elders and should come from a highly-respected family. NO one knows what high-respected family means here. Its one of those words that is subjective and confusing. These mamis are very confident that  since the parents are religious and cultural, the progeny follows the same. Somewhere during our evolution from childhood to an adult, when we learn to grow independent, the values of parents differs from ours. Here the Progeny become a Congeny ;-) for the parents.

But our mamis are oblivious to this.

There are no second thoughts - If you are single you need to be married immediately. Its their duty. What if I am committed, despise arranged marriages, or simply want to stay single and happy? Why should I sacrifice my career and move to the USA?

Ultimately, girls and their parents are made to beleive that marriage is an essential stage to be happy and successful in life. Atleast, once married these questions will not arise - "Is something wrong with your daughter", "Is she impure", "Is she planning to run away"? Harsh. But true.

So parents heave a sigh of relief when the occasion happens. But, we are women - the inquisitiveness over our life does not stop here.  
The next stage is "Any good news?", "When will I become a grand-mother?". My sister-in-law faces this every other day.  This question is never posed to married men. Making babies is the woman's business.

0 Swapping self-esteem for marriage

Typical day at work. After the honking bus journey, it was finally time for breakfast:). Yes I quite look forward to this because I get to meet my adda friends.

I have noticed around me that many of my colleagues are caught in marriage fiasco at this stage. Either its parents not agreeing, arranged marriage tension, relationship problems - everything revolves around the pressure to get married and of course this one is dot on Girls!

My friend and I started our usual conversation - the topic was a common friend (C) who was to deliver in another 2 months.
F: Know what! C was upset today. Her husband is messaging another woman at 2:30 in the night. Seems this has been happening quite often.
M: Really! Is she sure or just doubting unnecessarily? (Dint want to believe it was happening.. wishing it was not happening actually)
F: Nopes.. she has also seen them together multiple times and shes in a fix.

Oh Boy! Another marriage turning sour. C is a nice girl with a lot of common sense and this is what happens to her. Hers is an arranged marriage in the traditional Muslim community. Such girls don't even dare to think of other ways of getting married.
M: Hmmm. But I thought her hubby T was a good person.. thats how she used to portray him.. but a little too attached to the mother.. and great..in their community it might be difficult to prevent this going further too. Why doesn't she tell this to her in-laws?
F: Birds of a feather flock together! His dad had two wives .. and T was from the first marriage. His step-mother would not dare to say anything against this nor his dad.

These conversations are nothing new we have.. its just that here the man should be totally heartless and is making use of religious laws to circumvent the wrong he is doing. It will be difficult for C to walk-out - her child is about to come, and her community will never understand her. For a person who is always put her religious and community views above their personal views, its difficult to come to terms with reality. C is like any of us - born in a great family, good parents, but lacking independence that many of us take for granted. I sometimes wonder how Muslim women (sometimes even other exploited women) reason with life - on gender-bias, on being treated like an object. Wont they envy others who can flaunt their jewelery, clothes (basic necessity for women).

This reminded me of Khaled Hosseini's novel "A Thousand Splendid Suns" - a beautiful book. This portrays Afghan women who lose their self-esteem in their struggle to survive. Ironically, one of the main character's name coincides with T. But in the book, T comes back for his love after several years, but here for my friend its left to real life.

0 Marriages that are Skin deep

"Beauty is only skin deep" - That summarizes mosts arranged marriage for me. I know that all these marriages are not bad - but these depend on variations right?

1. Some are love-cum-arranged - an ideal one to some. But I really wonder -- at least in the south this happens only if you belong to the same community. The funny part about some of these marriages is that parents hide the "Love" part from the society and project that they arranged the match. Everyone is happy - isnt it? What is so wrong in conveying that its "Love" .. Oh the society - BS.

2. Some are arranged where the couple gets a lot of time to choose the person, understand him/her , evaluate - this is when there is long time between the "first meeting" and the engagement and a great gap (ard 6 months - year) for the wedding. Parents try to be supportive and can empathize with the child getting married in the Big bad world. So this is the reason we hear about broken engagements - couples realize - Oops! I am taking a wrong step and the child's decision is final.

3. Then there is the typical one: You talk for 3-4 times (that too on the phone, skype!!) and decide "wow.. this is THE person I am going to spend my life with. His parents are nice, our horoscopes match perfectly, good job, education".... wait .. where is the character being evaluated - those 2-3 months before the marriage when everyone behaves their best! In most of these cases, road after the honeymoon phase is rugged.

In most of these cases, life goes on - the lady adjusts and spends her life in the married state with a husband. Notice I say "spend" here - not "share" - its the case with most marriages! Women settle into the safe zone mode and get their happiness seeing children but weighing them down by their expectations- this is a vicious cycle.

4. Some times, whatever be the case, its just pure luck that you end up with the right person and manage to adjust and share your life with him. Ya babes - you are lucky!

I am just talking about the wedding here.. marriage is an life-long endurance which some parents fail to understand. If parents are a little broad-minded, the step 2 arranged marriage might work perfectly - let the child choose. But how many parents really do this - they are scared to let you talk for an year (sometimes even 3 months!) and realize at the end of it that its not going to happen - It is a matter of pride!

We are caught between the "western dating, the fairy tales, the happily married state" and "traditionalist, conservative parents and society" giving us a quite an hybrid mind:) - the above combination are also hybrid arranged marriages. The intertwining of thoughts appears murky on the surface to the society, to parents and to ourselves.
I know there will be comments from people who have taken this path - you are welcome to share your opinions. This is not an argument about Love vs arranged but a situational analysis(what I have seen:-)).