4 defining Our god and prayers

Al and me have finally started setting up a home. Our weddings had gone smooth with the families coming together in ways that we could have only dreamt about.

The journey to set up an inter-faith family and act as an unit has just started. I know that there are so many aspects - some that we talked about, some unforeseen circumstances, and others that we could have never imagined - are going to take their share of our time.

My mom had initially come to clear the house and do the rirualistic paal-pooja (New milk is boiled and served to all) on the first day. With her, she had brought a host of hindu gods:). They were neatly arranged on the kitchen shelf and only when we were back from our vacation did Al spot them. There was some hesitation and when prodded he replied "none of my gods are there".
I dint like the statement - beleive me, he is much more open that me and in praying to all etc.
"And what are these strange looking white symbol on the floor? This looks like a hindu house" - That was the kolam and he was setting it up for a perfect huge fight.
It was an auspicious time for lighting lamps and here was this guy questioning all that was good. But the angel in me was active that day (thankfully).
I said ok, what is it that makes you uncomfortable here?.
"I am not used to seeing all this in my house and I feel I am not in my own place"
"Hmmm...Lets get a picture of Jesus too and place him here. Lets get candles too- you can probably light them". But him being him was very happy with lighting the agarbathis:)
I recited some Sanskrit prayers and then a morning prayer in english just thanking god and asking for goodies:). That set it, he liked the prayer and its become a ritual now.

Personally, for me it was easy to see Jesus as another god, probably as a holy saint. And visting temples was completely ok with him too. Some conceps of God and spirituality have made the acceptance easier. I see each of the idols as a symbol for something greater, as a window to a focussed thought. This idea sruck me grom Gori girl's site and some other readings. It is easier to imagine Ganesha as a symbol to remove all obstacles in life, Jesus for peace, charity and patience, Saraswathy for respecting knowledge etc. Poojas as simple goods thoughts and positive energy to carry us through.
Easy for us we thought.

But the real thing was the form of worship. I hate doing anything weekly especially something on a sunday morning - I dont visit temples so regularly. Additionally I dont know whether it is good or bad that I can understand what is being said in the church - the only problem I have is being constantly bombarded with the thought that Jesus is the only God. Ofcourse I am mature enough to filter words, replace the word Jesus with God, respect another's beleif. But we have decided that we want to do this together, to give support and company to one another. Still we had a huge discussion and decided to do the mass thing once in a month but visit the church and temple weekly. Lets see when the kids arrive.

Some of my most common practices made him feel alienated. Both of us try to imagine eachother in the other spot, understand what makes us feel uncomfortable and avoid arguments. I feel its better to communicate directly and immediately about that sickly feeling in the stomach when your beliefs seem trampled - they never are if you can really set the communication in place. Yup, its very easy to say choose your outbound words carefully, but when in anger or hurt the innermost thoughts come out. In a setting like ours, it is better to deal with these unsaid things quickly.

Satisfied till now with the routine, we decided to get our brand new second hand car blessed both ways. It is mandatory to have the gothra (ancestral clan) and nakshatra (astrological moon sign at birth) for the pooja. The car carried us to both places and is adorned currently with holy water and chandan. Now Al belongs to the bride's gothra ;-).

1 To weave cultural religions

This blog was started when I was in a middle of a turmoil - in the head and heart. I always believe that we are in a situation because we are required to learn from it.

When Al and me started seeing each other, it was a dream come true. But from the start we dint fool each other into believing that its going to be easy - to either convince the parents or for ourselves. But he told me that he always knew that it will be beautiful - enough to take the effort of three and half years to persuade people to celebrate our love.

Love. Parents.Friends. Disappointment. Beaches. Frustration. Coffee shops. Hibernation. Office. Bikes - All the essential masalas of a successful script are part of ours too.
In the process we have grown as individuals - as a daughter and son, a partner, a friend, a believer. Each of my roles have become more connected to what I am rather than the hollow individual I was.

Countless arguments, endless tears - nothing to stand against religion. I abhored the concept, abused god men, tried explaning the similarities, the nice qualities - nothing worked.

It was our constant support to each other, patience and time that won the deal. It took our days but gifted us with moments. Moments of clandestine meeting, that quick hug, the side glance and the phone calls where I could only tap for a reply in silence. There have been the other moments too - those tense and difficult ones which are better forgotten.We have lost some things on the way too.

We searched for resources to help us understand our differences - to tell us how to proceed, whether we are in the right direction. There were some but there was a dearth of online material or physical friends who are in the same boat - even a record of similar feelings, and sentiments would make you feel accepted. How they handled the parents, the children, the food, the festivals, culture, relatives and the list goes on.... 
The relief in meeting someone who has done the same thing, talking about the experience and difficulty cannot be had from reading bits and pieces here and there.

I am starting to record how we went about it - the convincing part, the parents meeting, the relatives talks, the home visits. I know that there is no one way common to all and everything might not work in the same manner. 

And yes, the title says it correctly - Culture comes before religion.

2 To belief and belonging

I have avoided writing on some topics because they are too close to the heart and also unclear. They are groping in a state of confusion.

I know that I dont believe in organized religion - making you go to places of worship on a regular basis, praying without understanding, performing rituals because you are asked to.

When you step out, there are all sorts of people who will create chaos - when their core, which has blindly tottered, is made to stop and think. People who actually understand so little about their own choice. People who would not have been in a such a situation. People who cannot understand because they have followed it in their own manner and not against their beliefs.People who think their belief is prescribed in books. People who have never looked within themselves. People who think children are a branch of the parent. People who followed the path and are scared that your thinking challenges their notion of life. Their notion of success, happiness and stability.

I have come to believe in this. Anything that you follow by rote is not what you believe. You cannot defend it because you actually do not know if you beleive in it.

Accusers say I am deserting my religion. My public act is definitely a powerful statement to say that if God exists, then he is one. But in the process, I have explored and tried to understand what it is that I want from religion. Or whether I want one at all. In the process, I have discovered convincing arguments for certain rituals and symbols.The problem is why cloak practices under something called a "Religion"? I want to say that I have adopted certain ways after experimenting with them. Even if the ways were initially propagated by some group, they dont belong there. Neither do I belong there because I chose to beleive in them -  not because it is advocated by that group but since I beleive in it as an individual.

Do the accusers know me - do they know what I believe in or not? What meets the eye are the public events that take place ten days a year. The other 355 days I live with my belief and the practices that I truly stand for. It is an impounding reality that my beliefs will be challenged. But I am willing to defend them because I know that my brain has logical chemicals to solve this equation. As an outcome, if logical conclusion was negative my belief would need to change.

It is not a comfortable place to be. Sometimes you wish you had followed that crowd. But I guess I have a brain that believes more in myself than others. Whoever or whatever this other is.

2 Religion - To each its own brand

Recently, Coke came out with a winter edition of its cola cans - Coca-cola in red fonts in a white background. Here is the link to see the cans - I like the polar bears on it.

This was the consumer's reaction
1. The coke in the white can tasted different from the original red can [Is there any logic here, or people consider themselves stupid enough to beleive this?]
2. Consumers got confused with the diet coke cans [One genuine reason. Coke should have thought about this a bit earlier]
3. People just thought the idea was ridiculous and unacceptable.[How humans cite reasons when there is no reason at all]

Somehow this episode resonates with what is happening in my life right now - the arguments, logic, rituals, god, temples, women slavery, pati-parameshwar - features of the grand brand/product called Religion. Any change or comment is exactly perceived in the same way as if I was condemning Coke.

Is Religion is a product? Each product is identified by its needs or creating needs in the market.

Here is how the concept called "Religion" developed into a "Product"

• Generate fear in human minds
• Answer all questions that arise out of fear in a mysterious way
• Unexplained phenomenon that was solved using science but was against religion will always be suppressed. Scientists had been ostracized, murdered and their ideas killed.
• Create a lot of confusing features - rules, rituals, traditions
• Identify target segments - species with weak minds, money-deprived, peace-deprived, money-cunning, power-thirsty
• Build accessible stores for sales, creating a social community [Facebook is so copying this idea!] 
• Step on anyone who challenges the rules and label them 'Offensive'. You will find the meaning here.

 And look at the excellent brand management. We should be given marketing classes based on this.

• High brand loyalty - Look at the number of followers
• Clear brand differentiation - Do you have any confusion between the different brands. Are you allowed to have any?
• Murderous competition among brands  - Anyone heard about Honor killings? Did I also hear it right - that peace was supposed to a feature?
• High brand value for all its ambassadors: Being religious has great value in the community. So, you would want to associate with the fashionable brand.
• High switching costs between brands - Can you take up your neighbor's religion? In all possibility, your family will abandon you. Tried an inter-faith marriage?

Has Religion kept up to its Brand promise?
Even if God created religion, any change of rules is considered blasphemous. It should be followed the way it was interpreted by men to suit their needs.  
Humans started believing in the brand promise and will continue to do so.

I rest my case.
1. Human beings are highly irrational
2. Even after the brand promise of each individual religion has failed, the brand becomes stronger each living day
3. You better stick to a brand, otherwise you will end up with no brand at all!

[Note: I respect people with other beliefs/opinions and as much expect others to do the same. This post does not intend to condemn any particular religion but rather bring out the idiosyncrasies of the idea itself.]

2 Why do we visit temples?

Is it about God? Is it about dressing up? about community? about the journey or about mental peace. As children, we are led to places of worship by devout parents, taught to pray and bask in the glory of god. Its a practice that is initiated and continues till death for many.

For some, a pilgrimage is an outing that they cherish - they have a valid reason to step out, travel, interact with peers - have all the fun that youngsters can have on a road trip - there is nothing wrong with this apart from the fact that all this is done in the guise of religion/god/culture and the same people have a problem when their children do this without these labels.

I like going to temples - but to temples that are not noisy, clean, dont have big queues and make me feel calm - that is my purpose. When I walk into such a place, I feel relaxed and at peace. But each person has a different purpose and reason - Agreed. It can be for meeting like-minded people and building a community. There are definitely good aspects too - such as Annadhana - the donation of food, community activities that give a sense of belonging and entertainment.

The place of God - Where does it stop being about God?

When there is discrimination based on caste, religion, money:
 "Only Hindus are allowed inside this shrine". Oh yes, there are lot of arguments for this - "the others are impure, they dont know our ways, they do not respect our God." In the futility of these statements, where does the Hindu tenet of "All in One. Everything is the Brahman" stand? Why pin point on Hinduism - the case is similar across religions - Will god differentiate between believers and non-believers? Does that mean that everyone who comes to the temple or church are believers?
 Money plays a role in your access to your god: This is across 90% of temples. "Pay Rs 100 and you get express entry", "Pay Rs 1000, and you can personal perform puja to god". How does money make one devotee's time and effort smaller in comparison to another?

Performing rituals to alleviate doshas: So we beleive that chanting some mantras will remove sins - committed in past, now, future - and secure you a happy place on earth. Here is another barter system - do something and you get something else in return. It undermines the belief in self.
  
Animal sacrifice: Prevalent among hoards of temples in the rural areas. Goats, hens are donated to be sacrificed. How can anything Godly have killing in the picture?

Coconut, milk, curd, honey - tasty nature given bounties wasted - I never understand this ritual. During abhishekam these are used to anoint the idol and some of this is collected and distributed as prasad. But most of it gets wasted. Why cant these be given directly to the people in need?

You respect God but dont respect nature: Hordes of devotees throng temples - but what are they devoted to? You will find plastic bags strewn across the roads, empty waste baskets but mounds of garbage at every corner. There is nothing left of the Sanctum sanctorum - people take bath using soaps in natural rivers, throw plastics, banana peels into it, spit and-wash clothes - but one holy dip is supposed to cleanse your soul. Some dips really make you question your beliefs - and one such place is Varanasi. It is weird, scary, holy, dirty. Experience it first-hand and you can vouch for all these adjectives!

I am happy meditating, being alone in the comfort of my home and connecting with myself and peace. This is luxury and a necessity. Going to temple is a nice-to-do thing. Nothing more for me.

0 Fuss over the red dot

"Have you kept a bindi?" - a simple little question that irks me a lot. Not keeping it can signify many things as you will find in this post.

What is it about this red dot that is so commendable that it has to adorn a women's forehead.

A colleague who had been working with me for 2 months suddenly asked on one fine day - Are you a Christian.. a Muslim maybe? I was stupefied by the question ..Of course I am fighting to get married to one;-) but my name prominently emphasizes my Hindu roots. But what made this lady doubtful? She said "You never keep a bindi. So I thought you are not a hindu". Not that I have a problem being categorized into any religion but the fact that this little red dot dominated my identity was worrisome.

Some people advocate that it should be only "maroon" in color because a black bindi will bring ill luck. I have seen that serial ladies (on TV) flaunt all colors - blue, violet, green - some of it looks ugly but nevertheless traditional right. It signifies marriage and the husband's longetivity is threatened by what you keep on your forehead. After all, women are forced to shed their identity after marriage and again forced when the husband dies to metamorphose into "no needs" widow.  And our symbol Bindi does just that - steals identities.

To give an accessory unnecessary importance is nothing new to the great Indian culture - the flowers, the Saree and way its tied, the bangles. I have heard some explanations as to why this is good - "In earlier times, bindi was made from turmeric and other herbs (pure kumkum). When kept between the eyebrows, a bindi warms the nerve/area below it. This nerve contributes to concentration and brain power". Agreed, this might be true. When you press this area you do feel some relief and when you perform yoga too, concentration on this area is emphasized.

But our bindis are different - they are made out of plastic and tiny in shape and even if the above argument is true, our new bindis dont serve the purpose. And what about men - dont they need the intelligence too? Why are they not forced and why does nothing change for them before and post marriage? And pat came a reply from one old lady "Men dont need these symbols. They are more important for a women". 

Any answers please??

0 Swapping self-esteem for marriage

Typical day at work. After the honking bus journey, it was finally time for breakfast:). Yes I quite look forward to this because I get to meet my adda friends.

I have noticed around me that many of my colleagues are caught in marriage fiasco at this stage. Either its parents not agreeing, arranged marriage tension, relationship problems - everything revolves around the pressure to get married and of course this one is dot on Girls!

My friend and I started our usual conversation - the topic was a common friend (C) who was to deliver in another 2 months.
F: Know what! C was upset today. Her husband is messaging another woman at 2:30 in the night. Seems this has been happening quite often.
M: Really! Is she sure or just doubting unnecessarily? (Dint want to believe it was happening.. wishing it was not happening actually)
F: Nopes.. she has also seen them together multiple times and shes in a fix.

Oh Boy! Another marriage turning sour. C is a nice girl with a lot of common sense and this is what happens to her. Hers is an arranged marriage in the traditional Muslim community. Such girls don't even dare to think of other ways of getting married.
M: Hmmm. But I thought her hubby T was a good person.. thats how she used to portray him.. but a little too attached to the mother.. and great..in their community it might be difficult to prevent this going further too. Why doesn't she tell this to her in-laws?
F: Birds of a feather flock together! His dad had two wives .. and T was from the first marriage. His step-mother would not dare to say anything against this nor his dad.

These conversations are nothing new we have.. its just that here the man should be totally heartless and is making use of religious laws to circumvent the wrong he is doing. It will be difficult for C to walk-out - her child is about to come, and her community will never understand her. For a person who is always put her religious and community views above their personal views, its difficult to come to terms with reality. C is like any of us - born in a great family, good parents, but lacking independence that many of us take for granted. I sometimes wonder how Muslim women (sometimes even other exploited women) reason with life - on gender-bias, on being treated like an object. Wont they envy others who can flaunt their jewelery, clothes (basic necessity for women).

This reminded me of Khaled Hosseini's novel "A Thousand Splendid Suns" - a beautiful book. This portrays Afghan women who lose their self-esteem in their struggle to survive. Ironically, one of the main character's name coincides with T. But in the book, T comes back for his love after several years, but here for my friend its left to real life.

0 Religious discourses that make you wonder

Every morning, there are these religious lectures on television that pound their way into my ears no matter what. Today was no different - the coarse, methodical voice with some meaningless story. I prefer my mornings to be silent, just observe nature and be calm. Alas! no one listens to me at home especially if it has something to do with religion - I cant say God here because I feel God is lost in religion.  The rituals, fasts, festivals - you think god is interested in any of this..

The early morning discourse goes like this -
Person with namam (traditional white decoration on the forehead for a sect of brahmins) all dressed up in his white dhoti. Lets call him N.
 N: In life, if you have to get selected for a job you need to have qualifications beforehand. But if you have to be selected and loved by God you don't need ant qualifications. Just surrendering to him is enough and once you surrender he will pardon all your sins
I cant make head or tail of this comparison between Job and God! That means I can go kill anyone, slap them right across the face, bully people, do as per my wish and all I have to do is surrender to God. Everything is fine now. Wow.

N carries on with his logic: It is enough if you repeat the name of god everyday.. even telling his stories or telling others that Krishna stole butter from other households - means you are constantly remembering god.
So we do all these rituals, chanting for god to forgive our sins. So its more like a bargain. Religion according to him is a barter system - you offer prayers and God offers peace of mind through forgiving you. What have we reduced the concept of God to?

And N goes on like this each day - he shares small anecdotes from some purana but all with the same theme - you have to remember god, chant his name and everything will be good. He takes the power and intelligence we have been given as humans and replaces it with submission because we are all guilty and scared of our wrong doings. My dad wastes his one precious hour watching this rather than exercise which will do him a world of good. Ultimately when you go to a temple, they pray for good health, for curing their leg pain and back pain. I asked my dad "What use is it that you do take any effort to improve your health, spend that time listening to N and then again ask 'God' to repair you!? If you don't take the effort, then who will? Such questions are met with wide-eyed gestures - "How can you question God?". I feel like telling them that I am questioning their foolishness.

Oh ya.. and my mom has a lot to contribute here. She looks at N and says
"That man is supposed to be a chartered account.. and ohh look at him he is so devoted to God.." This is an indirect accusation at me - means that just because I have taken post graduation and working in a good position does not mean that I can ridicule matters of faith.
I wonder why he wasted his time studying at all! or maybe CA really took the soul out of him:)